The Night before Epiphany

I’m a church musician in my income-producing life. Tomorrow is the Feast of the Epiphany, King’s Day in Latin American countries, when three Wise Guys visit Jesus and tell Mary and Joseph to get out of Dodge. Epiphany=being revealed.

We use the word in more or less common speech to mean something we suddenly understand that we didn’t before.

Each day, or at least each week, it seems like, in the past two years I have had an epiphany about my sexual response, my relationships, being Dom, you name it…

My Princess Sparkettle says she keeps seeing me because each week when she comes over I’m different.

This past two weeks [December 2018] has been a major set of epiphanies. That I am her Daddy. That I am, and realize I have been for some time, totally secure in all my relationships, no jealousy etc. That I LIKE to flog and paddle and spank Pandora1a; BDSMtest.org results of 48% sadist are correct.

Tonight I am sleeping alone for the first time in two weeks. Sparkettle stayed over last night and then I saw Pandora1a this afternoon for a brief bit and I almost drove 100mph to get home and be alone in the quiet I have so carefully cultivated in my house.

Listening to what my body, mind, and heart require, and honoring that, it’s the final epiphany on this Eve of the Epiphany. Merry Christmas all! (it’s the end of the 12 days of Christmas tonight).

I’ve always been Dom

Like anything else in my life, I am finding that being Dom is an identity that I have always had but am discovering in greater depth as time goes on.

From the time I was first sexual, perhaps as early as 10 or 1, I found and avidly read some Victorian erotic novels that were hidden in our den behind other books. I don’t know if they were things my father read, or my mother…but the scenes of very sexual but repressed (usually young) women being tied up and having their desires awakened were formative in my sexual fantasies. Yeah, I know, feminists (myself included) will find the overall notion and implementation ugh. But it’s there deep down in me, now, the ownership/Dom/ master/Daddy fantasy…

I hid it a long time. In the Jaiya Blueprint world, of which I am a coach, kinky is defined as ‘whatever is kinky to you”. Jaiya tells the story of an older couple who were clients and for whom having sex in anything but missionary position was kinky. So, being Dom was hidden. I didn’t cultivate it, learn about it, or even know that growing and learning about my Dom was possible.

And, for many, many years, I was with women who shamed me for self-pleasuring. My mother also did, as was a common experience of men of my generation, the worst thing that could happen was ‘getting caught’ masturbating. So, because I had to do it clandestinely and it was forbidden by a succession of women I lived with or was married to, masturbation became kink. Once I left my second wife I lost interest, it wasn’t forbidden any more. Now I am having to consciously cultivate a self-pleasure practice to relearn how my body responds…

Would being Dom go away if society was totally open and accepting of the relationship? I leave you with that question….and am hoping for comments or discussion on this….

Poly Holidays

Scheduling three lovers for holiday time, especially when one is a LDR, gets interesting…

Here is how it played out:

Dec. 20-Dec. 21 with W
Dec. 22-Dec. 25 morning with C
Dec. 25 afternoon-Dec. 28 morning with W
Dec. 28 midday to Dec 31with J
Dec. 31 afternoon-Jan. 2 afternoon with W
Jan. 2 night and morning with J
tonight, Jan. 3, with W
tomorrow night, Jan. 4, with J
and so it goes….

I never feel like there is too much time with anyone. I am not missing having nights alone at this point, it has been lovely and relaxing to be with everyone. All the relationships deepened over this time.

Obviously this will taper off now as schedules return to more normality after the holidays..and, I would do it all again readily.

Dom and Daddy [January 2019]

Within a few months I have become both a Dom and a Daddy, which has set me to thinking about the difference.

There’s not any…

The difference is only that every relationship, and D/s ones are not any different, has it’s own dynamic based on the individuals involved.

At this point you would normally expect to read “because every person is different, every relationship between two people is different.” well, yeah. But…having now been a client of a very empathic and intuitive Somatic Experiencing therapist for almost two years, and having had some major breakthroughs and growth through this process, i would say instead, “Every relationship is different because each one evokes a different set of woundedness in us.”

Each of my lovers brings a different set of circumstances to our connection that opens different ways of my relating. One of the truisms of SE therapy is that wounds occur in relationship (most often to our mother, which plays out then in relationships with women). Each lover is to me also a different archetype: Wise Woman, Girl Next Door, Daughter, Wild Woman….

Each one pushes different buttons. One of my lovers I have known for a very long time has the position in my constellation of pushing the same buttons my ex-wife did. None of this is deliberate or conscious, but it’s my chance to heal, to grow, and to move ahead into more self-awareness.

As we enter a new year, I hope each of you reading this can step back and take a self-aware look at your relationships and find where the growth points are, own your own fuck-ups, and be compassionate not only to your partners but to yourself….

The Body Gathering

What if there were a church…

where every time we gathered we built from scratch a safe container of consent…
where no one was judged for who they are or how they express that truth…
where everyone was honored and supported in the place they are in life…
where we could talk openly about sex, gender, consent, pleasure, and relationships..
where the leaders were open and honest about their own struggles and challenges…
where you, you as a precious divine being, felt truly at home…
where we were engaged in the world, helping the least and lost, the marginalized, sex-positive, kink, and LGBTQAI+ communities…
where a connection to the divine Presence is more important than doctrine or belief….

Would you come to that church?

Would you support it’s mission?

I have, for some time now, been urged by my mentors and friends to find a way to integrate all the parts of my life: pastor, church musician/liturgist, sexuality coach, social activist, and queer gender-fluid masculine-primary pansexual polyamorous man. There is no existing church in San Antonio that would welcome me fully in all these parts of myself, even the most progressive ones. So I am desiring to start one, one that I would want to go to, where I would feel welcome in all my different life-bits.

This ‘church’ will have a local San Antonio, TX real-world component and a virtual component.

Our focus will be to use ritual to heal ritual damages; to help everyone who has been shamed, traumatized, abused, or oppressed by the Church to find their path toward healing. Secondarily, or maybe more importantly than healing, we will build community, share our wisdom, help those who are living at the sexual margins work out real-world problems, and be a resource and safe haven for anyone being actively hurt because of their sexual orientation, gender expression, or kink.

If you are interested in this in any way, let’s talk.

In the flesh

Some days I find
I am smaller than I desire.

Some days I grow so huge
that I encompass all my loves.

But what I desire, my dearest,
is to be in my skin:

to feel your fingers fully
when you touch me,

to feel the blue-gold threads
connecting your heart to mine,

to learn to be enough
not too little or too much.

Then, then, it will be
just you and I,
seeing each other fully, completely,
and, at last, without fear.

Comfort

Sometimes it’s only a simple human connection

head on shoulder, gentle touch

reassurance

Sometimes it’s knowing there is an ear

and heart, and shared pain

listening

Fear keeps us at a distance

but light breaks through

against our will even

Tears come unbidden

not always unwelcome

clearing paths in the heart

Eyes

Everywhere you look
behind the feeling of denial
is overflowing abundance
Everywhere you look
behind burdening care
is transcendent joy
It’s all in the eyes.
Which way will you look?

Anticipation

Some conversations
have been intense:
what we desire, hope;
then there are the ones
that are more common
but no less anticipatory:
what time will you arrive?
The mechanical arrangements
holding a full unspoken set
of what the time we have together
will contain (trembling and authority);
the negotiation that can’t be done
by text or even phone,
that requires intimate voice and touch,
opening a door to a long-viewed panorama
a landscape of submission
always known but never walked,
where we are becoming
our inevitable true selves.

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