Firsts

Firsts stick in memory. 
My first kiss, Cynthia Sims,
sitting on the piano bench
in the house of my upbringing
with all the adults in another room; 
the first mountain I climbed,
Granite mountain, with my lover and
about-to-be second wife, at the outset
of 28 years filled first with love and companionship, 
only much later with terror, anguish, scars, recriminations;
my first ever fish, caught at age 9, my first sex with Sharon at 18;
and, on September 1st, 2020, in the middle night,
within the bud of a soul-shattering year,
while the long-late Townes sings in my ear 'If you needed me'
at age almost 61, the first ever time someone, 
no, not just someone, my someone, 
lying in her bed a few miles away, me lying here in mine, 
said to me, in text on a dim phone screen,
I adore you.

Only

You have a difficult time looking at me;
your past made certain of that,
eye to eye too close to danger.
I have to find signs in other places:
your hand on mine in the night;
the way you tremble when your desire rises;
a text after hours inquiring about my day.
Only at pillow distance do I get your eyes.
Only when our skin connects do I get your heart.
Only is enough.

Song

I heard a song that wasn’t yet written,
tinkering in my head with harmonies
adjusting the rhythm of one spot
the thread of it wound through midair
smoke on a bright sunny day;
it would have gone on forever
but I couldn’t contain more
I saw it slide into your hearing
your face turning into a smile

I read a book that hadn’t yet been written
full of surprises and joy and sorrow;
somehow the author had, without my knowing,
taken the last few years of my life
and written them out in excruciating detail;
I had to close it, stop reading,
then I realized you had been reading it to me
your gentle voice turning each page, each day

I wrote a poem that hadn’t yet been written,
this poem, echoing me in ways I can’t follow;
even here, you are, as you are everywhere I look
or listen or read, as you are most completely
hidden away, a summer wildflower, in the inner pocket
of my heart that is always yours

The ways you look at me

There’s a way that you look at me
when you sit at my dining table,
right before you start eating,
when I’ve cooked something you like,
that tears my heart open.
There’s a way you look at me
sitting up in my bed, reading
when I come in the room
the light in your eyes
says, I’m yours always
There’s a way you look at me
tilting your head up
hair on my shoulder, soft and thick
your hand across my chest
when you say, I love you, Daddy
There’s a way you look at me
when we are skin to skin
your eyes getting wider
your voice a little hoarse
and you call me Daddy then, too

 

There are ways you look at me
and every time, no matter where
or when or why or how much
it tears my heart open, and afterward
it’s just a little bit bigger

My Girlfriend’s boyfriend

I went on a date
with my girlfriends boyfriend
and she said the next day
I’m glad you didn’t fuck him
I told her, you know
I don’t fuck on the first date any more
I was the first person she dated in a few years,
when we met, who hadn’t
tried to get in her pants, subtly or overtly,
on the first date, so it’s a running joke with us
because she always asks me, why didn’t you?
I mean, I’m not opposed exactly, it’s just that
I don’t know how to get past the awkward thing on a first date,
one minute you’re all, oh cool
your oldest daughter is in gymnastics, or,
I really love Thai food too, or,
and then you’re, oh by the way
when was your last STI testing? and, hey
I know there’s a big stigma around herpes
which I am trying to help dispel, cause unless
you’re pregnant or trying to get that way
or have an autoimmune disease,
it isnt’ a serious health risk, and yes,
my ex-wife had type 2 and I test positive
but I’m taking valcyclovir and never have had
an outbreak, even so,  it’s a little bit awkward
on a first coffee date to bring that up,
although I have when the date has stretched into hours
and it’s clear we are going to have sex the next time,
of course with my girlfriend’s boyfriend
it wasn’t either of our first polyamorous rodeo
it naturally came up and STI status
was a relaxed topic of conversation
so, no we didn’t have sex,
but I did kiss him and it was hot
she had texted me partway through
while he and I finished dinner:
What’re y’all doing? In bed yet?
She likes to text me when I’m with another partner
I used to think just to see if I would answer
but now I know it’s really a slight signal
of unease; what most people don’t realize
is that even when you are consciously polyamorous,
and know that to be your orientation,
you can still have feelings of jealousy
or fear of missing out, and with her,
when we realized a year ago
the special nature of our relationship
the type of relationship we have
makes her feel more vulnerable,
so I don’t get upset when she texts me, I’m just reassuring,
I said. no, we’re talking, and she said, what is there to talk about,
because she had told me he is a good listener, but a better fuck,
and doesn’t talk much, which isn’t true, he just doesn’t talk much to her;
so I replied, there’s LOTS to talk about, he is a very interesting man, and she replied
with the peach and eggplant emojis and I said, going offline but not for sex
not that I wasn’t thinking about it
he is one of the most attractive men
I’ve dated in the past year, and not
just because he is her lover also
I had been sitting there while he talked
looking more at his mouth than his eyes
and he knew it, I was thinking
about something in his profile that speaks
to what he wants to do with his mouth
to potential partners, and also
thinking about things he says in his Fet profile
that make his kink line up so much
with mine, and we talk, of course, about
our mutual partner, her alleyways and side paths,
and that leads to talking about pleasuring our other women,
I say, there are some books I need to write,
Pussies I have eaten, a memoir, or,
Pussies I didn’t eat, a very short story about adolescence,
I tell him about trying to have a section in a poem
about pussy- flavored ice cream
and how I lost it trying to read that one.
I realize I don’t have to try to be funny,
he is just taking in who I am
and I can see that he likes me, which makes me shy,
and we talk about how our mutual partner
is Princess to my Daddy, he is glad
she has that with me, she wanted it with him
but he already has an exclusive Little;
He is a switch, I am looking for signs of his sub
and find that, finally, right at the end of the date
his goodnight kiss is all about me
he is so clearly desiring my pleasure
that I freeze at first and then relax,
my difficulty in receiving is still real
even though my sex- coaching mentor
energetically blasted the block open
in front of 80 people at an event 18 months ago,
and little bits have come popping out since then
in somatic therapy or when im with a lover
like the way they blast a kidneystone
with a sonic blast but then you still have to pass the pieces
letting bits of my receiving block out
had been necessary but no fun,
so his kiss is all for my pleasure,
and I have to deliberately open to that;
later that evening, we text about it and I find
I don’t have to explain anything to him;
when was the last time I met someone new
that needed no explanation, maybe not since
I met his girlfriend who is my girlfriend
I have been with other men, I am beginning
to connect deeply with another partners other partner
he and I are seeing each other every few weeks,
he texted me from his vacation how much he misses me,
and suggested a few very dirty things he can’t wait to try
and still, this man who lives two thousand miles away
who I won’t see in person again for months
when he is here again on business
and sees our mutual girlfriend, this man
is hanging large in my fantasies;
she said, I get first dibs
on date night with him, of course, I said,
but in between we have text and maybe phone
and maybe I am already falling
and I’m certainly in lust
with my girlfriend’s boyfriend.

Ambiguity Reigns

Categorizations of what “Doms” do or don’t do is just so much wasted effort.

I read a lot of things here [note: FetLife] making absolute statements about what a particular type of person Dom/sub/master etc is or isn’t…

If we all could give up the need for absolutes, imagine what beauty and joy we could have in this world, if we could accept ourselves and our partners just as they are and go from there in deepening our relationships…

I move in the religion world a lot, and the need for absolutes is what has fucked that world up; the inability to tolerate ambiguity is the province of fear.

If you are someone who has a difficult time with ambiguity, try letting some in and see if that doesn’t make every muscle in your shoulders and upper back relax…

Life is too short to let fear rule you.

Fun Poly Date Times

Yesterday was my regular date night with R…we had an afternoon in bed then a lovely dinner out.

And part of polyamory for me is that I can be with an amazing woman and be missing my other amazing women at the same time.

So as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I texted G and L and we had some messages and again later, and they both told me they missed me too.

Sparkly, huge, expanding heart…

And then at dinner, we were talking about how we both want to become more regular at our partner dancing practice, and she said, I want to dance more, but sex gets in the way….

And my other loves both texted me something fun and light about the same time and I realize, from posts I read here and in FB groups, how damn fortunate I am to have three self-aware, well-boundaried women in my life and my bed…

Is It Innate?

I have seen multiple takes on whether being Dom or sub is an innate thing, something that we just ARE and discover.

I know it’s like that for me. Like sexual orientation, I am just built this way. I’ve tried to be other things, from sub to switch, and I was terribly unhappy and never felt at home. When I realized that I was Dom, and began doing specific exercises to develop that, things exploded (like that image? 🙂 )

I am learning to do partner dancing. Being a good lead is domming your partner. I am a preacher; preaching is domming the congregation. I am a church musician; leading congregational singing is domming them with the organ. I am a teacher, of various things; being a teacher is domming the classroom. and so on….

As a Dom I naturally attract subs. Even before I knew what I was doing, before I fully recognized this in myself, I was attracting subs. Even if we never enter into a D/s relationship, they are subs. It’s just the polarity of attraction. I admire and enjoy the company of Dommes, but there’s no spark between us…

Then there are those in the greater kink community who think it’s not innate, that it’s a role. I won’t dispute that with you and I’m not looking for arguments here. But I would like to hear cogent reasons why that’s the case for you, if it is…

Let’s talk…contact me here

Parallel Lives

I have two parallel lives happening simultaneously at present. I think many here might identify: our kink life and our external vanilla life.

In my external life I am a pastor starting a non-denominational sex-positive church, and serving a mainline church as the music director and organist.

In that external life, I am moving to fully align the two; I intend to be openly fully out as who I am to everyone by mid year: bi, poly, and Dom.

To that end I am becoming much more stridently pro-LGBTQIA+ in that life, although I have always been an ally; this is having some consequences (not surprisingly). I was critical of my former bishop’s failure to undo the previous bishop’s stacking of the committee that interviews candidates for ordination with very theologically conservative, anti-LGBTQ people. This resulted in my being outed as having a sex life while single and I resigned my ordination int hat church.

In my kink life, I am offering vanilla-world friendship on FB to anyone here [note: this is on FetLife, but if you are a WordPress blogger who can message me here, the offer stands also, or contact me here] who would like to see who and what I am in the external world.

As I draw the two threads of my wholeness closer together, I can already see how integrating them is going to be something powerful, how it is going to make me fully who I am, in all those seeming contradictions: Sex coach, polyamorous lover, pastor, organist, Dom, Daddy, theologian, sarcastic irreverent seeker of the Divine, someone who has experienced that full Divine union/expansion at least once, someone who is totally distrusting of organized religion…

stay tuned.

and, I’m totally serious about FB friending…just message me.

The Night before Epiphany

I’m a church musician in my income-producing life. Tomorrow is the Feast of the Epiphany, King’s Day in Latin American countries, when three Wise Guys visit Jesus and tell Mary and Joseph to get out of Dodge. Epiphany=being revealed.

We use the word in more or less common speech to mean something we suddenly understand that we didn’t before.

Each day, or at least each week, it seems like, in the past two years I have had an epiphany about my sexual response, my relationships, being Dom, you name it…

My Princess Sparkettle says she keeps seeing me because each week when she comes over I’m different.

This past two weeks [December 2018] has been a major set of epiphanies. That I am her Daddy. That I am, and realize I have been for some time, totally secure in all my relationships, no jealousy etc. That I LIKE to flog and paddle and spank Pandora1a; BDSMtest.org results of 48% sadist are correct.

Tonight I am sleeping alone for the first time in two weeks. Sparkettle stayed over last night and then I saw Pandora1a this afternoon for a brief bit and I almost drove 100mph to get home and be alone in the quiet I have so carefully cultivated in my house.

Listening to what my body, mind, and heart require, and honoring that, it’s the final epiphany on this Eve of the Epiphany. Merry Christmas all! (it’s the end of the 12 days of Christmas tonight).

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