Categorizations of what “Doms” do or don’t do is just so much wasted effort.
I read a lot of things here [note: FetLife] making absolute statements about what a particular type of person Dom/sub/master etc is or isn’t…
If we all could give up the need for absolutes, imagine what beauty and joy we could have in this world, if we could accept ourselves and our partners just as they are and go from there in deepening our relationships…
I move in the religion world a lot, and the need for absolutes is what has fucked that world up; the inability to tolerate ambiguity is the province of fear.
If you are someone who has a difficult time with ambiguity, try letting some in and see if that doesn’t make every muscle in your shoulders and upper back relax…
Life is too short to let fear rule you.
Yesterday was my regular date night with R…we had an afternoon in bed then a lovely dinner out.
And part of polyamory for me is that I can be with an amazing woman and be missing my other amazing women at the same time.
So as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I texted G and L and we had some messages and again later, and they both told me they missed me too.
Sparkly, huge, expanding heart…
And then at dinner, we were talking about how we both want to become more regular at our partner dancing practice, and she said, I want to dance more, but sex gets in the way….
And my other loves both texted me something fun and light about the same time and I realize, from posts I read here and in FB groups, how damn fortunate I am to have three self-aware, well-boundaried women in my life and my bed…
I have seen multiple takes on whether being Dom or sub is an innate thing, something that we just ARE and discover.
I know it’s like that for me. Like sexual orientation, I am just built this way. I’ve tried to be other things, from sub to switch, and I was terribly unhappy and never felt at home. When I realized that I was Dom, and began doing specific exercises to develop that, things exploded (like that image? 🙂 )
I am learning to do partner dancing. Being a good lead is domming your partner. I am a preacher; preaching is domming the congregation. I am a church musician; leading congregational singing is domming them with the organ. I am a teacher, of various things; being a teacher is domming the classroom. and so on….
As a Dom I naturally attract subs. Even before I knew what I was doing, before I fully recognized this in myself, I was attracting subs. Even if we never enter into a D/s relationship, they are subs. It’s just the polarity of attraction. I admire and enjoy the company of Dommes, but there’s no spark between us…
Then there are those in the greater kink community who think it’s not innate, that it’s a role. I won’t dispute that with you and I’m not looking for arguments here. But I would like to hear cogent reasons why that’s the case for you, if it is…
Let’s talk…contact me here
I have two parallel lives happening simultaneously at present. I think many here might identify: our kink life and our external vanilla life.
In my external life I am a pastor starting a non-denominational sex-positive church, and serving a mainline church as the music director and organist.
In that external life, I am moving to fully align the two; I intend to be openly fully out as who I am to everyone by mid year: bi, poly, and Dom.
To that end I am becoming much more stridently pro-LGBTQIA+ in that life, although I have always been an ally; this is having some consequences (not surprisingly). I was critical of my former bishop’s failure to undo the previous bishop’s stacking of the committee that interviews candidates for ordination with very theologically conservative, anti-LGBTQ people. This resulted in my being outed as having a sex life while single and I resigned my ordination int hat church.
In my kink life, I am offering vanilla-world friendship on FB to anyone here [note: this is on FetLife, but if you are a WordPress blogger who can message me here, the offer stands also, or contact me here] who would like to see who and what I am in the external world.
As I draw the two threads of my wholeness closer together, I can already see how integrating them is going to be something powerful, how it is going to make me fully who I am, in all those seeming contradictions: Sex coach, polyamorous lover, pastor, organist, Dom, Daddy, theologian, sarcastic irreverent seeker of the Divine, someone who has experienced that full Divine union/expansion at least once, someone who is totally distrusting of organized religion…
and, I’m totally serious about FB friending…just message me.
I’m a church musician in my income-producing life. Tomorrow is the Feast of the Epiphany, King’s Day in Latin American countries, when three Wise Guys visit Jesus and tell Mary and Joseph to get out of Dodge. Epiphany=being revealed.
We use the word in more or less common speech to mean something we suddenly understand that we didn’t before.
Each day, or at least each week, it seems like, in the past two years I have had an epiphany about my sexual response, my relationships, being Dom, you name it…
My Princess Sparkettle says she keeps seeing me because each week when she comes over I’m different.
This past two weeks [December 2018] has been a major set of epiphanies. That I am her Daddy. That I am, and realize I have been for some time, totally secure in all my relationships, no jealousy etc. That I LIKE to flog and paddle and spank Pandora1a; BDSMtest.org results of 48% sadist are correct.
Tonight I am sleeping alone for the first time in two weeks. Sparkettle stayed over last night and then I saw Pandora1a this afternoon for a brief bit and I almost drove 100mph to get home and be alone in the quiet I have so carefully cultivated in my house.
Listening to what my body, mind, and heart require, and honoring that, it’s the final epiphany on this Eve of the Epiphany. Merry Christmas all! (it’s the end of the 12 days of Christmas tonight).
Like anything else in my life, I am finding that being Dom is an identity that I have always had but am discovering in greater depth as time goes on.
From the time I was first sexual, perhaps as early as 10 or 1, I found and avidly read some Victorian erotic novels that were hidden in our den behind other books. I don’t know if they were things my father read, or my mother…but the scenes of very sexual but repressed (usually young) women being tied up and having their desires awakened were formative in my sexual fantasies. Yeah, I know, feminists (myself included) will find the overall notion and implementation ugh. But it’s there deep down in me, now, the ownership/Dom/ master/Daddy fantasy…
I hid it a long time. In the Jaiya Blueprint world, of which I am a coach, kinky is defined as ‘whatever is kinky to you”. Jaiya tells the story of an older couple who were clients and for whom having sex in anything but missionary position was kinky. So, being Dom was hidden. I didn’t cultivate it, learn about it, or even know that growing and learning about my Dom was possible.
And, for many, many years, I was with women who shamed me for self-pleasuring. My mother also did, as was a common experience of men of my generation, the worst thing that could happen was ‘getting caught’ masturbating. So, because I had to do it clandestinely and it was forbidden by a succession of women I lived with or was married to, masturbation became kink. Once I left my second wife I lost interest, it wasn’t forbidden any more. Now I am having to consciously cultivate a self-pleasure practice to relearn how my body responds…
Would being Dom go away if society was totally open and accepting of the relationship? I leave you with that question….and am hoping for comments or discussion on this….
Scheduling three lovers for holiday time, especially when one is a LDR, gets interesting…
Here is how it played out:
Dec. 20-Dec. 21 with W
Dec. 22-Dec. 25 morning with C
Dec. 25 afternoon-Dec. 28 morning with W
Dec. 28 midday to Dec 31with J
Dec. 31 afternoon-Jan. 2 afternoon with W
Jan. 2 night and morning with J
tonight, Jan. 3, with W
tomorrow night, Jan. 4, with J
and so it goes….
I never feel like there is too much time with anyone. I am not missing having nights alone at this point, it has been lovely and relaxing to be with everyone. All the relationships deepened over this time.
Obviously this will taper off now as schedules return to more normality after the holidays..and, I would do it all again readily.
Within a few months I have become both a Dom and a Daddy, which has set me to thinking about the difference.
There’s not any…
The difference is only that every relationship, and D/s ones are not any different, has it’s own dynamic based on the individuals involved.
At this point you would normally expect to read “because every person is different, every relationship between two people is different.” well, yeah. But…having now been a client of a very empathic and intuitive Somatic Experiencing therapist for almost two years, and having had some major breakthroughs and growth through this process, i would say instead, “Every relationship is different because each one evokes a different set of woundedness in us.”
Each of my lovers brings a different set of circumstances to our connection that opens different ways of my relating. One of the truisms of SE therapy is that wounds occur in relationship (most often to our mother, which plays out then in relationships with women). Each lover is to me also a different archetype: Wise Woman, Girl Next Door, Daughter, Wild Woman….
Each one pushes different buttons. One of my lovers I have known for a very long time has the position in my constellation of pushing the same buttons my ex-wife did. None of this is deliberate or conscious, but it’s my chance to heal, to grow, and to move ahead into more self-awareness.
As we enter a new year, I hope each of you reading this can step back and take a self-aware look at your relationships and find where the growth points are, own your own fuck-ups, and be compassionate not only to your partners but to yourself….