things are changing and shifting in me
sometimes faster than I can call them out
I need to be an auctioneer.
we have a misunderstanding because
of this, my body reacting to energy but looking like
the old stuff you don’t want to be around
and a space opens between us
that I recognize from my marriage
a space of less-than, of where-are-you
and it fills me with momentary dread.
and then my body settles and I know in my skin
you are not her, you are a blazing heat
warming my interior, my fingertips too.
over the next two days the space narrows
and then is gone, evaporated
like the nothing it really was
a hallucination of my fear and past.
we talk over drinks at our table in the bar
you slightly uncomfortable at my focus
holding my hand despite friends around
willing to be seen for yourself with me.
we talk about what is and what could be
the outlines, the boundaries, the desires
and your heat flares from your eyes and your smile
and i imagine in anticipation, soon,
the heat of you pressed against me
washing away all the small everyday doubts
the way last night’s rain, so long awaited
leaves the air this morning
with a slight tang of ozone and smell of wetness

I’m at a lover’s house
and you text me a picture
of yourself in my bed.
My house is yours, I told you
and it’s true
I come home and find your clothes
by the bed, your chapstick
on the counter, your shampoo
at the edge of tub.
You said before,
I’m living with you
and dating my husband
who I like and you love
and we, you and I, are in love
and you said, part of me is entirely yours
and the genius of that
slid everyone in my constellation of loves
into a new alignment
not a pie divided up into finite pieces
but an ever-expanding, unlimited
love for everyone, all expanding
together and each part of me
getting bigger now than even
the single part of me was before.
I grow huge and transparent
and bubbling up in me,
like the bloops of your lava lamp
are new shapes and arrangements
always shifting and changing
but still me, still you, still them
still all of us
and part of me is entirety yours,
and hers, and hers

I lie awake
hearing the rhythm
of your sleeping breath
it sinks into my belly
the warmth of your hip against my hand
is the anchor for my calm
moving out of a nightmare
of your leaving me
into the darkness
and your presence.
Earlier we kissed
and I asked you
if you were sleepy
and you nodded
and my heart sparkled
that you feel safe enough
to tell me your real life
your real desire
that you now can, with me
simply sleep when that is
your body’s need.
Your breathing
in the night
in my ear within your arms
in my hearing when walking
I am so grateful
for each breath you draw in
another moment you are with me
leading on into unimaginably
greater and greater presence,

I have a fire there
as they say, in the belly.
You didn’t lay the fire;
the kindling has always
been in place
and the main wood laid
in preparation.
But you are the oxygen.
You fan it into white heat.
I see your eyes
fluttering open
a hands width away
and my heart blazes.
I am a burning bush
hot yet not consumed.
Your hands on me
leave trails of charcoal
where my skin flared up.
My heat will devour you
and leave in it’s wake,
for both of us,
nothing but our desire
laid bare.

I take it out of my jewelry bag
often, to admire it,
not for what it is so much
as what it will be
when, sometime, but inevitably
I clasp it around your ankle
you willingly entering
my ownership

we dance around this
over and over
circling the maypole
strands intertwined
and eventually
there will be no more
slack

and when I pull you to me
and you gasp
and I tell you
all I desire is your surrender
we both know this is where we will end up
with my hands fastening this bracelet
around you

so why continue to dance?
when we could have everything
we have each ever desired
within the skin of the other
my desire has become embodied
in your hair, your lips,
your hands and your breasts
sliding against me
legs interlocked

your voice on the phone
somedays is comforting
but today only drove home
how little I can see you

there’s no solution

It builds character, you say
it’s only another week, you say
it sucks, I say

I want your arms around me
now
your head on my shoulder
now
your eyes looking into mine
now

one of the things I love
is how you choose
to give me, not always
but when you do so welcome
a play by play
of your daily life
serious, playful, upset
irritated
always just simply fully real

today it’s hair color
and I think
how beyond beautiful you will be
when your face is surrounded
by a wave of silver
and think of the feel
of your hair against my face
when your head rests on my shoulder
your skin alongside mine
and my heart spills over
out of the corners of my eyes

I thought I knew how large I was inside
but every time you are here
I am more

there is no end to joy
no beginning
we enter it’s embrace
partway along
it stretches out in any direction
farther than we can imagine
and if we will
we can be filled beyond
our most immense dreams
we are larger than our illusion of ourselves
we can contain more than we can name

I thought I knew all the rooms of my house
and then a door opened in a familiar wall
formerly solid
and beyond are all the spaces
joy opens when I see your eyes

Cold winds bring recollections
winters past
good, bad, indifferent
friends here, friends now lost

Brisk air
thinking of desire
warm under quilts
skin against skin

Emptiness inside
wordlessness
no way to express
how you fit into my life

Lost
without you
and lost in you
needing words of comfort

The space is so hard to cross
chasms of trust
previous violations we project
onto those we now love

Only time heals
(if anything)
only love warms
if we give it a chance

Words hanging
things left unsaid
things said without thought, thoughtlessly, stupidly
If only they could be unsaid
or reabsorbed into the hugeness of love
hurt rendered into comfort

we use the same words
but they aren’t the same
meaning shaped by lives
lives shaped by words
words shaped by experiences
which differ regardless of age

can they ever be the same when the origins are so different
but it’s not age or different origins that matter
when our intentions are hidden
not out of subterfuge but fear
knowing how we can be hurt
dreading what seems inevitable

but what if, despite what we both think we know
pain is not the inevitable product of love
what if love deepens into real trust
instead of thinking we know what the other wants
we become simply able to ask without sadness
without fear or remorse for what can’t be, living what is

opening hearts honestly even if the surgery
requires an anaesthetic we don’t possess
a language we have to learn
a language of allowing ourselves
to know we are valued far more than we self-value
and worth braving pain for, despite self-loathing

because from where I stand
what I know of you is worth any brokenness
your beauty shining between the cracks of your self-hate
and what you show me is my brokenness re-formed
into a new heart lightened and lifted
as your light pours in and burns away my sadness