Jack and Jill

I learned a new euphemism yesterday:
buttering the corn.
Yes, I’m talking about self-pleasure
choking the chicken
spanking the monkey
blowing your own horn
waxing the carrot
which, I admit, are all terms I have never used
it sounds painful, and like, why is tight better anyway?
I bet many of you are already uncomfortable, so
I might as well make it more so, yes,
I’m talking about: masturbation.
I remember when I was in high school
( and, this isn’t going where you think it is)
and in orchestra class, to get ready for competitions,
we had professionals from the Houston Symphony lead section rehearsals;
there was one girl in the cello section, and he sent her out of the room
and said, ok guys, vibrato is like a jacking off motion,
as if she didn’t know what that was, or he was just embarrassed
to say it in front of her, or thought he’d get in trouble possibly,
but I could have assured him she knew exactly what that hand motion was
and was quite proficient at it,
or like the time when I was married and my ex and her friend
did dining reviews for the newspaper, and we went to this Chinese place
and he ordered something with pickled shrimp,
and the chef, a woman, came out and leaned in close,
and said, cannot cook that, it is too big the pickle,
and made a large male-self-pleasuring motion with her hand
and ever after when we ordered something that they didn’t have
we’d all say, in unison, it is too big the pickle and make the motion
so anyway, I can tell you
that there are as many ways to shake hands with Dr. Winky
as there are people alive on earth,
I looked up euphemisms and that was one I had never heard before,
and, we used to say, 90 % of people masturbate and the other 10% are lying,
but I have actually met a few people who really don’t, and I can’t figure that one out,
even evangelicals who think they’re going to hell if they do, do it,
they just feel guilty as sin afterwards, and as a coach I have to deal with that a lot,
so what I have to say to everyone is, damn it, let’s drop the accumulated shame
about masturbating, because the health benefits alone are phenomenal,
and, for women who have difficulty orgasming, it is the major assignment
we as sex coaches give, I mean, it’s a practice, and how are you going to know
what your body likes unless you actually practice?
I bet most of you, cause I know it’s true for me, still tend to masturbate
the exact same way you did when you first discovered it
and you know, that’s something to be curious about,
do you use your dominant or non-dominant hand, and why,
what kind of touch, how much pressure, is it fast or slow,
but really, try a different way, or a different touch, or hand,
or use a toy, and there are male toys too,
if you’re too embarrassed to buy one in a store
you can mail-order them, and, what about
non-goal oriented self-pleasure, is it really imperative
that you have an orgasm every time, or could you
set a timer and just see what feels good without needing to ‘finish’
so many variables you could be curious about;
I think it is vital to throw out the goddamn religiously imposed shame
that so many of us hold onto even if we’re not religious
it is culturally embedded, just like not talking about
how much money we earn when in other cultures that’s totally accepted,
so, yes, I do masturbate, and you don’t have to imagine that if you don’t want,
but my kinky side is happy for you to if you do,
and I know some people will say way way TMI, but really,
our thoughts are not actions and thinking about other people’s
sexuality and sexual practices is not creepy in and of itself,
only when it becomes intrusive or coercive or threatening,
of course there is a difference between privacy and openness
and I always, as you can see, err on the side of openness,
and I’ve had this discussion with clergy friends who say that
modesty is the most Christian approach, but don’t we all know
how modesty can be turned into manipulation and shaming,
and, if this is making you uncomfortable, perhaps I would suggest
that you get curious about why that is, and how you could free yourself
from that residual shame, because, we all deserve to fully own
every bit of pleasure these limited, finite, slowly-always-dying bodies can give us.

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