Gratitude

Uneasy night, disconcerting daytime;
alone in what seems at times
too big a house; at others
the walls close in, straightjacketing;
and I know alone is what I need
but multiple longings preoccupy
my thoughts. my skin, my eyes
finding things in each room
that remind me of someone
I won’t see for a day, week, or more;
and thoughts run their inevitable
greasy course to the end
where I am unworthy, undesired

and the only thing that stops
joy being cancelled by dread
is gratitude

so I will myself to stand here, now,
in this place, this time
grateful, overflowingly,
for every moment of love
that has come my way;
but most especially
for those most recent;
for the hands and skin and eyes
that tell me beyond even my own
shadows of doubts
that I am desired, cherished
and at the last fully,
unconditionally, seen.