Alive

I am alive.
I am in love and I am alive.
I am in love with three completely amazing women
and I am alive; I am a fully gender-queer, pansexual, polyamorous man
and I always have been, even when I denied that;
and for anyone denying some part of themselves,
out of fear or shame or guilt, I ask you to let that go,
and be fully your beautiful alive self.
While I write this I am sitting in my house, the house that once was the seat
of my marriage, which I never expected to end, which was
at least partly, good and happy, and partly terrible and anxious and scary
and I survived that and I am alive.
I am theologically educated, and desire to share
my direct experience of the Divine with everyone
and I have the tiny little degree card from seminary in my wallet
to prove that when I am talking to people in bars,
and in spite of everything wrong with religion I am alive.
I am a church musician who doesn’t give a flying fuck
about the church but who still wants,
when I can, to move your soul with beauty,
and I am alive most completely when I am making music.
I am an ally to everyone who is oppressed or shamed
for being sexual and alive
and in love with whoever they want to be in love with.
I was kicked out of the church I served for 16 years
as a pastor for having sex as a single man
because they are so afraid of pleasure
that they can’t handle it except by controlling it,
and for promoting false doctrine, which consists
of telling the world pleasure is our birthright, and I am alive.
I love women, everything about them, their feel and scent and kisses
and minds and hearts open to me, and I have been,
more than once now, in deep like with a lovely man and I am alive.
I am alive all the way, in my skin and my muscles
and my fluids and my bones,
in where my energy starts at the root
and where it channels out the top of my head.
I am alive in this moment, right now,
and right now, and right now.
I am dom to an amazing woman who is my sub,
and Daddy to another who is my Princess,
and if you think you know anything
about power exchange relationships,
I can tell you from direct experience
that most of what you have read is wrong.
Three years ago this 4th of July I was despairing of my life,
hating being with my now e-wife,
and too afraid to do anything about it;
it took her hitting me, over and over and over,
for me to get the balls to leave.
Yesterday I went to pick up a taco
and went by the place near me
where you can sell plasma for cash
and I remembered that two years ago
I was planning to start doing that
to make ends meet, and now two years later
I have more work than I can manage all at once,
I have manifested the life
I only dreamed about ever before
and only in hindsight
can I see each little step and challenge
and barely courageous step that got me here.
I have woken up from a deep 30 year sleep
of complacency and despair
and I am alive.
I am here right now, seeing each radiant one of you in your place
feeling your energy, feeling the world,
and I am no longer willing
to be asleep, to be half-dead;
and I want more than anything else in this world
for every one of you who is asleep
to wake the fuck up and be alive.
If you have even one bit of passion
for your life then you can’t help
but have this same mission
to wake up the world.
I am, this whole past year,
for the first time maybe in my life,
here, fully present, in the moment,
and in love, and in pleasure.
I am alive. Are you?