Confusion

Your other lover violated agreements,
yours and mine, and I am so angry
angry at him for what I see as
childish impulsiveness, and angry
at myself for judging, knowing
that you love him, and it is wrong
for me to say what I’ve said so far
but I’ve said it, I was angry
and you told me later,
I liked it when you got angry.
I wrote him a harsh email.
I never, never want to hurt you,
and I have, and I will again and again
and again, because, because my Beloved
I desire to grow old with you.
It is inevitable that every so often
I will once again do something
that pulls out your old wounds
into the stinging air and light
of the now-space between us.
I only hope that you still,
after however many times there are,
you still look at me with those eyes
heavy with desire, shy to hold my gaze
that burn clean through me
and wipe out everything else
because in the end, only your eyes matter.