I am now solidly in only one sexual relationships.Others have shifted from lovers to friends, some new ones are beginning, and everything is once again fluid and uncertain. Creativity lives in the unknown.
Part 1 of this talked about jealousy. I have found it to be entirely true that if I am solidly in myself, if I know that I am enough, that I am not broken, that I am desirable, then there simply isn’t jealousy. Something shifted in my understanding awhile back, and my jealousy vanished. Gone. It was a somatic shift, something old released, the trauma that had been creating (admittedly decreasing) feelings of not-enough is completed, and I am now myself. I think I understand how this happened, and if you desire this in your life, let’s talk about coaching: message me here
Then, jealousy came back when one of my partners went on their first ‘first date’ in two years, at the same time as I was struggling with defining what on of the de-escalated lovers-to-friends relationships would look like. Labor Day weekend was a really difficult time. Since then I have gotten to a newer place of understanding that jealousy is not gone, but knowing I can manage it. I think this is a more real and healthy place to be.
I am pretty convinced that, like any relationship, being polyamorous is a crucible for refining your own self. The level of honesty, open communication, self-awareness, and self-work required to successfully navigate multiple loves is a high bar, and if it is true (as Somatic Experiencing Therapy posits) that since we are wounded in relationship, our healing comes in relationship, then in this case personal evolution proceeds at a 3-5x faster pace..sometimes, it’s whew, and other times, the depth of connection and love I have leaves me on the floor in gratitude.
Polyamory is still a difficult expression for many people. Our culture has valued monogamy for many reasons for millennia. Whether this is the ‘natural’ state for human primates, whether this is actually the long-term state for our species, I will leave to those qualified to research and argue this. I know many non-monogamous people who are happy and well-adjusted, and some who are not, just as there are monogamous people fitting both descriptions. There are plenty of polyamorous people (as I observe in the many online spaces where dialogues about polyamory and relationship issues can be discussed openly and safely) who are not particularly self-evolved, do not have good boundaries, and are not doing their personal work. I also observe, and have for my whole life, beginning with my parents, that many monogamous people are also un-self-aware and in difficult and painful relationships. Polyamory is not a cure-all, and, in fact, I think will probably highlight our own issues and weaknesses even more than monogamy would. So, enter multiple relationships at your own risk, but all I have had is joy…