Current state of affairs (of the heart), part 5

Since the last update, relationships have settled into three with female-identifying person, one with a male-identifying person, and one possible new one. More on that if and when it becomes more…

My relationship with E has de-escalated to deep friendship. I think we are better this way. I am becoming more aware of my own needs and desires in the moment and the intensity of our connection was more than I could manage.

A woman I met online May 2020, J, mentioned in the last entry has become an in-person connection and she is fun, funny, snuggly, sexy, and I can’t wait to see her again. She is a semi-long-distance relationship so at best we will see each other monthly, but probably less.

I have now been with partners R and G for over 4 years. They are my foundation. As I learn and expand, and knowing that I could be completely happy alone, our relationships have deepened and the urgency, sense of pining when I don’t see them, and general heightened sense has been replaced by deep assurance. I have renegotiated my relationship with R and we are seeing each other less often but with much higher intensity. I like this. I see G weekly and she is my rock, my sodalite heart.

5 years ago,in the midst of abuse and despair, I never would have imagined that my life would open this way and that I would ever be this happy.

Update, January 2022

J deescalated to friendship, and did so in the most caring and lovely way. I am glad we will remain friends.
I’ve found another couple of friends. The idea that every relationship has to be defined, have concrete parameters as ‘romantic’ or ‘friends’, is fading. How binary that was!

I just passed my 5th anniversary with R and the 5th with G is coming up soon. The ease and connection we have brings me joy, and is starting to help me be more accountable to not beating up on myself, or beating up on myself for beating up on myself.

I’m a year and a few months now into Alanon. My ex-wife and much of her family were/are alcoholics. If you have been or are in a relationship with any kind of addict, I can’t recommend Alanon enough. There is an online list of zoom meetings. There are queer or queer-friendly meetings.

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