Current state of affairs (of the heart) part 2 (last update 6/7/2019)

Part 2: My loves

I will refer to my loves throughout my writing by an initial, for everyone’s privacy. All of these women are amazing in bed in different ways, I’m not going to be writing much about that now, if ever. That’s between them and me. I will write about how our lives are intersecting.

R, A, and G have all met each other; I had a divorce party the evening my divorce was final and they all attended, along with A’s female lover R and J2. R and L had dinner with me this past Sunday. I am hoping that they will all get to know each other. I now no longer see A, she became angry at the piece posted here under “Musings on D/s relationships” when I posted in on FetLife. I regret somewhat how I acted in the ending of that relationship, but it had other problems that would have made it untenable longer-term.

I met R first after separating from my wife of almost 3 decades the first part of 2017. W introduced me to the work of Jaiya Ma, a somatic sexologist who is working with a theory of core erotic blueprints that has been dead-on as a way to see my erotic history and current life. R is deeply under my skin. She is the most determinedly self-evolving person I’ve ever met, and I deeply admire her work overcoming things in her history. She is very careful not to impinge on my boundaries or growth. A number of the poems on my front page (Hands, Parts of Speech, Old Fashioned, and more) are about her. She is my heart’s-desire. Our physical connection is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced in my life previously, and it was instantaneous the night we met. She is a person of deep integrity and compassion. She is independent and accomplished in her profession and I am loving meeting her friends and family as that has begun happening over the past few months. R introduced me to online dating, and I set up an OKCupid profile. R sees two other men, both of whom I have met, and both of whom I like a lot. She, I and each of the other men have had threesomes with varying success.

The first person I met on OKC was N. N is 23 years younger than me, a single mom, very smart, very savvy about the sex-positive world, and we connected quickly. Her life took her away to another city much to far away to travel to inexpensively, but we occasionally touch base on Facebook. I miss her. Who knows what the future will bring, though?

I next met G who is also a good bit younger than me, scarily smart, very self-aware, able to see through my motivations and call me on things when I need that, cuddly, and playful. She is in an open marriage, I love her deeply, and love her playfulness and willingness to engage that part of me, even when I’ve hidden it away for years. She is sarcastic and earnest and deeply caring about issues of justice and personal safety. She is my sweet, sexy, cuddly bedmate, she is sexy and her obvious desire for me, when time and energy permit, is a huge boost to my ego. I love having her in my house and bed; I would see her more often if I could. I have now met her husband at a meeting, we didn’t have much chance to interact but I hope to get know him as time goes on. She has a couple of other men she sees very occasionally but hasn’t seen them in some time due to scheduling, and partly to my desiring more of her time. The poems After Work, Asleep, and Comfort are about her.

Next I met A, and I cared about her deeply, but April 18, 2018, A broke up with me. I was not my best self in this and I regret that I did not handle it in a way that we could remain friends. A is a wonderful, caring, compassionate, person. She deserved more from me but I am still in the processing stage about my part in this. I hope to blog in the future about my fuck-ups.

I’ve also met H1 and J on OKC. H1 lives in a nearby city and has taken our relationship back from sexual to friendly as she pursues a monogamous relationship in her area. J I like a lot, we haven’t become physical; whether we will ever is uncertain, but she is fun and lovely to talk with and do things with. Her schedule has meant we haven’t gotten together even to walk in several months as of now (mid-February 2018)

Then there is H2, who I met at an event of Jaiya Ma’s a couple of months ago. We have some kind of connection which has yet to be worked out. She lives on the East coast so it is uni]likely we will see each other in person again any time soon. We have had some very interesting energetically-based phone conversations.

Lastly, but not leastly, is L, the high school lover I reconnected with a couple of months back. She knows me better than anyone alive and still loves and desires me. I have treated her badly in the past and we are working through that slowly. She is sweet, quick-witted, somewhat sarcastic, and accepts me fully as I am, even though she would probably desire a monogamous relationship with me. I love her deeply and realized after we reconnected that I always had, I had simply run away from her when that love brought me into some of my early wounds in ways I couldn’t handle in my 20s. C lives about a 4 hour drive away so the limiting factor right now is that we can’t see each other as much as we both desire. The poems Thoughts and Forever are about her.

I also identify as bisexual and am currently keeping an eye open for a man I might date. I have had threesomes and I am now looking to move beyond the sexual encounter aspect with another man and explore what a romantic relationship would be like, if that’s possible. So far, I haven’t met anyone that would work with.

Updates April 2018:

I had a date with a metamour, RS (male). It was underwhelming, he isn’t a good fit.

I met M2 on OKC, she wants a hang-out buddy, and is my first African-American woman to date. We have gone to some places to just see art etc. I like having a buddy.

I recently began talking to a woman on OKC and we had a first date, H. I like her a lot, we have a lot inf common, and she will be coming to my house for dinner in a week. I’m looking forward to that. Don’t know what might develop there, but I am open to whatever it is.

I just met someone else at a cuddle-party event and do not know if there will be anything, but she did indicate a desire to get to know me better. And, she does cuddle sweetly and wonderfully…Her initial will go up here if more develops.

That’s my current constellation of loves.

Edit: end of May 2018
H has become much more important quickly. I can’t wait until the next time we get to spend some time together.
I’ve met two other women on OKCupid recently. Both are very high matches and very interesting. Time will tell.
At a somatic sexuality event I went to in early May I met S2 who lives in New York. We had a cuddle time one evening and made a psychic/energetic connection. It has been nice to stay in touch with her.

edit June 12 2018:
Had a ‘get to know you’ coffee date with a lovely man I have had a distance-crush on for a long time, DL. He is coming for dinner in a few weeks.

edit July 2 2018
The man i mentioned, DL, was honest and indicated he was not attracted to me. I really appreciated that openness. I have had some interaction with my metamour RS and it’s possible we actually do have things in common. I will be spending some time with him soon and see if there is a possibility of anything developing.

I have pretty much stopped looking at OKCupid. The women I had talked with a  bit on there have more or less disappeared now.

My former lover N is moving back here. I’m not sure where we stand romantically, but I hope we can at least hang out some. I care deeply about her.

SO, I am in love with a bunch of amazing women. Life is wonderful.

edit January 28, 2019

N and I are friends. I like it this way, even though momentarily before she moved back here I had hoped for more.

I met another lovely man W. We have had a few dates and he says he is interested in another.

H desired to find a monogamous relationship and so a few months ago we de-escalated to friendship. We have much in common and this is lovely still. We have had coffee a few times since and had some deep conversations.

One of the women I was talking to on OKCupid as of the May update last year, D, has gotten together with me a few times for meals or museums. There’s a spark; she is very busy and lives an hour away, so I am not sure where it will lead.

It feels good to really have my three primary lovers, LR, and G, and two people that I am dating, and focus on  these amazing people for now…

edit June 7, 2019

D decided in late Spring that she desires to pursue a monogamous relationship.

I have begun dating my metamour R’s R and we are opening slowly to the possibility of an emotional connection. I like him. All the other men mentioned above either desired to pursue monogamy, or in the case of two more I had two dates with not even mentioned above, completely ghosted me. I am occasionally looking on dating sites and met another woman who I have had two dates with, both lovely. She is uncertain about polyamory as of now.

edit September 4, 2019

L and I have parted. I will own what part of that was mine. It is muddled and I hope that as I sort out the past few months I will come to understand what happened. All I know is that my body revoked consent for hers. It is painful on both sides and both of us said things we will, I expect, live to regret. I am working very intensively on boundaries and it was necessary to end all contact yesterday.

R and I deescalated to friends. This is also painful and difficult and I am shattered. I will be grieving the loss of her in my bed for some time.

edit December 14, 2019

R and I re-engaged (she termed our first sex after this a ‘re-entry’, and have been seeing each other about every two weeks, this space seems workable without triggering each other.

G and I have drawn much closer. She is deeply in my heart.

My Meta R’sR and I have gotten closer as well. The three of us had been sexual together, but we are, it feels to me, entering or inching toward a full equal triadic relationship. I realized also that there are actually 4 relationships involved: R and I, R’s R and I, R and R’sR, and then the three of us. we all went on a long weekend workshop trip together and slept together and it was lovely.




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