I’m not that kind of Dom

Note: This piece was written for Fetlife as an assignment from my coach, to clarify for myself what my Dom is. Since then I have uncovered multiple strands of Dom, including 1) Daddy, 2) a more sadistic strand than I would have thought I might have, and 3) the nurturing, space-holding one I describe here. So, enjoy and know that there’s more complexity to all this than I thought two years ago….

There’s been a meme floating around that reads something like “A real Dom doesn’t make her be his nasty little slut, he is the kind of man she wants to be a nasty little slut for”. Well, yeah.

I’m all for nasty little sluts. But I’m not the kind of Dom for whom stereotypical dungeon play is the primary reason for a D/s relationship. I’m interested in mature, together, self-aware, self-purposed, accomplished, talented, creative, intelligent, powerful as hell women. I’m interested in their surrender. It goes without saying that a woman like this is amazing in bed.

It was suggested to me recently that surrounding myself with women like this means I am a closet sub. What fucking bullshit. What it really means is that I am powerful enough to handle women like this.

Here’s a short-list of what makes me powerful.

The source of my power is in knowing that I am going to die and everyone I love now and have ever loved are going to die, some of them before me, leaving me heartbroken and grieving, and everything I do from now till then matters and everyone I love from now til then matters.

The source of my power is my vulnerability, not being afraid to be seen fully as I am. Most men have no clue how to do this and think vulnerability is weakness. My mission is to show them they are fucking wrong.

The source of my power is in knowing the difference between childish anger and adult anger, in letting the former out of my body forever, grounding it to the center of the earth, and in harnessing the latter to change the world.

The source of my power is my intelligence. I am not afraid to use it or let it be seen any more.

The source of my power is giving myself fully to the moment, in knowing my own desire and my own heart and feeling into every situation with my body as fully as possible, in knowing where I end, where my skin is, in knowing what is mine and what isn’t. I am not afraid to own that I have been and always will be doing work on this.

The source of my power is being willing to own my fuck-ups, in being a man of integrity, in owning my own life and my own decisions.

The source of my power is being able to hold a presence for people who are in pain, in letting the heartbreak of the world break my heart and still being autonomous, engaged, and acting for change, in standing with those who are being marginalized.

The source of my power is in calling bullshit bullshit, even if it’s someone I care about saying it.

The source of my power is in having your back no matter what comes, and at the same time letting you own your own shit too.

The source of my power is in your surrender. Your voluntary, complete, passionate surrender. This is my delight and joy.

I’m past the idea that this is about play. sluttiness, or any of that. This is about my willingness to order your life, to make a space where you can be your best self. This is my basic nature. So, no, I’m not that kind of Dom. I’m way, way, more than that…

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